Junebug- Weeks 32-39

Look at those adorable cheeks!

Week 32- It is so much harder to keep my blog updated when I have a job, a 2 1/2 year old, and pregnancy.  Everything has been going smoothly in the pregnancy.  Leo and I have had more then our fair share of illnesses over the past month and a half.  I feel like combined we've only had a week free of them.  Of course, we are better off then others so I'm not complaining too much. ; )

I passed my gestational diabetes test this time around (first time)!  Yay!  I was just cleared to try for a VBAC and we are getting to the end of the pregnancy.  I still have a ways to go but it seems to be going fast.  I am both terrified of having two kids and so excited to see Leo meet her...  : ) just thinking about it makes me happy all over.

It has been very hard to stop and dream of my little Junebug.  I had a lot more free time with Leo to think and dream about the baby in my belly.  With all of Ruby's pokes and jabs, she is letting her presence be known more and more everyday.  As she moves, I find myself stopping and wondering what she is doing in there.  It also makes me think of all those newborn kicks and wiggles that are in my future.

Emotionally, I am having a lot more trouble this pregnancy... between the stress of work and wishing I had more time and energy for Leo (and Evan) I often feel like a failure and like nothing I do is right.  I hate feeling like that but whether it is all these extra hormones or just life... I am feeling horrible on a daily basis.  Don't get me wrong... there are still glimmers of light and times when I am just happy to be right where I am.  At those times, I don't feel guilty that I am not being a good mama to my son, a good wife to my husband, or a good teacher to my students but inevitably it comes crashing down when I realize that during that time I was forgetting to do something for work, home, family, or for a friend.  Generally the repercussions of my "guilt free time" lasts for a week or more...  creating more work, more stress, more guilt. It makes enjoying those moments even harder as I find myself wondering what I am NOT doing that I should be.  It's a vicious cycle folks...

Week 35- I had maternity pictures taken again this pregnancy by the same talented photographer and friend at www.photosbyejrussell.com.  We are hoping to snag her for newborn pictures before she leaves for summer vacation... all you have to do is arrive before she leaves!  See below for the amazing maternity photos.

Week 37- I started measuring big about 2 weeks ago and since I continued, I was sent in for an ultrasound.  They measured both Junebug's growth and my amniotic fluids.  While she is growing on the slightly larger side, it isn't in the realm of "too big" yet.  My amniotic fluid levels, however, are high and they seem worried.  In most cases there is no logical explanation for the high levels but there could be complications with the birth or with the baby : (   I'll just have to wait and see what they say.  My 38 week appt. is coming up and they are planning another ultrasound to make sure she is doing okay in there.  On the up side Evan and I got to see our baby girl in utero one more time!  We even got a few pictures of her.  She is a cheeky little one.  She has some hair but who knows what color and how much (we could see wisps of it though).  She had her eyes closed most of the time and only started peeking out right towards the end.  So cute!  I can't believe I'll have her in my arms in less than a month, regardless of when I have her) 

Week 38 & 39- My amniotic fluids were down some but were still higher than normal.  The technician seemed very pleased with my little baby and said my placenta looked great... no worries on that front at least.  It seems like my little Ruby Anna is nice and comfy in there.  As I will be 39 weeks tomorrow and it is also my guess date for RA's arrival.  I figured I needed to go ahead and wrap this long standing post up.  At both ultrasounds we were able to get a couple of pictures of Miss. Ruby.  It is hard to believe I will be holding her in my arms sometime in the next two weeks (maybe a smidge longer, although I hope not!)  On the professional front, I have made it through the school year, almost.  Tomorrow is the last day of school and is a half day so I don't actually have any official teaching duties tomorrow, YAY!  If I end up going tomorrow (i.e. I'm not in labor), I will get to say good-bye to my kiddos and send them off with the rest of the teachers.  I am mostly finished packing up my things and I finished my grades... I still have stuff to turn in and things to sign off on but I am in a pretty good place at this point. : )  On the home front, I have been trying to get things done every weekend but I still have what I feel is a lot to do but "ce la vei".  My mom just arrived though and is always a big help.  Basically, I am ready for my Junebug to come whether everything I wanted done is done, or not. Now onto my letter to my daughter...      

                 

Junebug,
       Every time I've thought about writing this letter to you I have been distracted.  Distracted with stress and life.  One day, you may know this feeling if you have your own kids.  You may not ever know and if that is the case, I want you to know that even within my distraction I have longed to focus on you.  I am hoping that I can do that now...  

You are my beautiful daughter and I can't wait to hold you in my arms, to see you grow into a little toddler, to grow into a little girl, a young woman, or into whatever you wish to be in life.  My one wish is that, whatever you become, you will be happy.  

I want you to know that I will be here for you, no matter what.  I love you so much already it feels impossible that my heart could get so big and have enough room for everyone I love so dearly.

You are being welcomed into a world of two sets of amazing grandparents.  Two loving and amazing Aunts, two amazing and lovable Uncles, four loving cousins, and last but not least a sweet big brother that loves you already and a Dada that has no idea what is about to hit him when he gets a little baby girl put into his arms.  He is pretty fantastic, by the way.  Plus, me... your Mama.  You are so loved and so wanted.  Don't ever forget that (even when your big brother tells you that you aren't...)  Older siblings can say things like that sometimes but if (or when) he does say something like that remember that he would proudly announce that his baby sister was Ruby Anna and that he would bring you a flower every time he brought me one.  Remember that he would sing to my belly, greet you with a hug or a kiss before even glancing at me, and was so excited to buy you a birthday present and that he really wanted it to be purple (although we haven't found that yet).  His tiny, BIG heart already adores you and even when you frustrate him, he will continue to adore you.

My sweet little Junebug, I love you so much and cannot wait to hold you, to kiss those sweet chubby cheeks, to count your little fingers and toes, to sing sweet lullabies to you, to rock you in my rocking chair.  I can't wait to see you roll over, to crawl, to walk, to say Mama and Dada for the first time, to hear you say Leo.  I can't wait for those first baby smiles and laughs, to see you explore and discover the world around you, to learn about all life has to offer.  Life is not always easy but it is pretty amazing...

My sweet baby girl, you are almost here. So here I sit anxiously awaiting your arrival and dreaming of you.  

I love you,  for always and forever.

Love,
Your Mama  

Leo 2+

Leo, my Leo...

Everyday you grow and get smarter.  You amaze me with your kindness, your sense of humor, and your energy.  You are learning new things at daycare and I am always amazed at how much you understand about life and the world around you.

Just the other day we were reading (singing) the Blowing in the Wind book and I was pointing out the guitar in a few of the pages.  The last page has a little girl bending over the broken guitar and the little boy handing her the red ball he has had the entire book.  There is nothing else.  You stopped me from turning the page and stared at the picture and said "she sad?" and I responded with "yes because the guitar is broken" and you repeated what I said while staring at the picture, as if trying to memorize it and imprint it on your soul.  I started to turn the page and you stopped me again and asked "What he doing?"  I said he was trying to give her the ball because he knew she was sad and wanted to make her feel better.  Again you repeated what I said and stared at the page.  I could just see the wheels turning in your head.  You repeated the entire "story" I had told you a few more times, then finally let me turn the page and finish the book.  Of course, you asked me to read it again so I did.  When we got to the page with the broken guitar you shared the story and reasoning behind the picture (a few more times).  The next night, as I was reading it again, you stopped me and I let you tell your Dada what the story was. You repeated it exactly like the night before but you added in a few details like "She crying", "they can't fix it", and "she doesn't want the ball".    You are working so hard to figure out this world we live in and I am so very happy to be here beside you as you process.  It won't always be as easy as me explaining a picture but I will always do my best to guide you.  It is memories like these that I feel like I will forget if I don't write them down.  I am sure I have already forgotten some of them.  The thought makes me sad but you are the sum of your experiences whether you (or I) remember every last one of them.  They will build upon each other far into a future I can't see. I believe you are becoming an amazing little person, with a great personality, and a wonderful sense of compassion.  I love you my sweet little guy, every second, every day.

You are going through so many changes right now...  and every change seems to make you more of a little boy and less my baby : (  We potty trained at the end of March and you have done such a good job with it.  You are still working at it to some degree but accidents are rare and I'm just amazed at how fast you picked it up!

In early May, we got you a "big boy bed" (twin mattress on the floor) and while you look so tiny in it... you wanted to sleep in it the first night and had Dada take apart your crib the second night.  I'll admit, I think you were more ready for that step than I was.  That first night you woke up a lot, mainly because you were sick with a fever, and you just about scared the crap outta me when at 2:30 a.m. I was woken up by a little toddler trying to climb up into my bed.  When I opened my eyes you smiled and said "I woke up and said time to get up! I tried to turn off fan but I can't."  Then when I asked why you woke up you said "I wet." I had forgotten about how cribs kept you nicely in one place... I'm still trying to get over the shock of seeing you waking me up!

Bottles are the next item on the hit list for "baby" things.  You only have them before going to sleep and when you wake up but we are running out of bottles that work and I'm not buying new ones.  I have some sippy cups but you are still enjoying the bottles so I haven't put up a real fight yet.  One thing for sure is that you LOVE to snuggle!  I hope that doesn't change as I know my snuggle time with you will be somewhat limited with the arrival of your baby sister. If you can make it through the first two months I know we will get into a nice routine with consistent snuggles, from Mama, for all. :)

You are so excited about your baby sister.  Your teachers at daycare tell us how you share information about your little sister and how you are going to be a big brother.  You talk about how you are going to show her everything.  You sing Baby Mine to my belly and you bring flowers to both Ruby and I when you find little dandelions or daisies.  You like to try and feel for Ruby and ask if I can make her move again.  I hope we have done everything we can to prepare you for this huge life-changing event.  It scares me that you might feel left-out or lonely but as the youngest of three, I also know how amazing it is to have siblings.  In fact, I have never known a world without my siblings so I know that giving you a sister will eventually be a good thing (even if the first few months, years?,will be hard).  You already love your little sister and I can't wait till you meet her, face to face.

My sweet angel... you made me a mama and you are everything I could have hoped for.  I love you so much.  

  

A recent shot of you flying high... It took a little bit of hemming and hawing but with just a little encouragement from us and a few nervous giggles from you, you jumped!  I hope you always feel like this when you've conquered a fear, overcome a challenge, and risen above whatever is troubling you.  You are amazing.

Love Always and Forever,
Your Mama 

Letter to Leo- My 2 year old

Feb 2014

Jan 2015

Dearest Leo,

             I can hardly believe I am writing to you on your second birthday.  Wasn't I just writing to my new one year old?  You are growing so fast.  You have been perfect every second of everyday since you have arrived in my life.  Even though I know this to be true, you somehow become a better, more vivid version of yourself everyday as well.  I have a hard time figuring out how that is even possible. 

 Let me tell you a bit about our last year together.  We had some glorious times when I was able to stay home with you but you have loved going to your Aunt Emily's and playing with your cousins since I had to go back to work.  You are definitely having more fun than me... I miss seeing you all day, every day.  We finished up breastfeeding right before Thanksgiving but we still have a wonderful relationship and you still need me (something I was afraid might change too soon).  We have decided to grow our family and you are so ready to take on being a big brother.  You told me the other day "I love babies. I want to hold them." We'll ask you if you still love them after Junebug gets here ; )     

A few new things you have been doing... 

  You love singing.  Your song repertoire consists of (but is not limited to) Baby Mine, Dooley, If I had a Hammer, Twinkle Twinkle, In the Jungle, Take me Out to the Ballgame, Blowin' in the Wind, Jesus Loves Me, Amen... I could go on but you get the drift.  I am sometimes so surprised because I will pause in a song and you will fill in the word!  It surprises me because I didn't know you knew every word but you actually do...   

     When you drink a bottle you like to maintain contact with me by placing a hand on my heart (a remnant of breastfeeding I am sure as it started right after we weaned).  You also call it Mama's milk... for example while sitting in the car drinking a bottle, you stretch your hand out towards me and say, "Mama. need it! Can't reach Mama's milk."  You have also been asking me to sing Baby Mine.  Now Baby Mine was the song I sang to you in utero and when they first handed you to me in the hospital.  I have sang it everyday of your life since then and you have just started showing a preference for it.  I chose that song for us, for you, and now you love it too.  You even know the words and will sing it sometimes... I love hearing you sing it and imagine you singing it to your own baby someday.  

    You really love going to Gymboree and when I tell you we are going you say "Gymborwe Day, Hooway!"  

A few favorite shows... Blue's Clues (still), Veggie Tales (aka Movie Tales), and Old Donald and Mickey cartoons.  There is a Mickey one "A Brave Little Tailor" I believe, that you love and since watching it you have been talking about a giant.  When we ask about it you say it is a friendly giant... we have even pretended the friendly giant rode on top of our car one day since it was apparently stomping around but wanted to come to our house to play.  (all told to me by you, except I suggested he ride on top of the car)  Your first imaginary friend perhaps?      

 This year (although not your first) still had many "firsts" for you.  First haircut, first days away from Mama, first bike ride, first camping trip, first bike, first sentences... you went from walking to running in no time flat and that is exactly how it feels watching you are grow up. 

Ready to be a big brother!

 You've recently decided that you like Mama's tea so we have had tea a few times together and you are so sweet.  You hold a conversation with me and do your best to drink when I drink and to hold your cup just like I do.  I hope we can always have moments like that.

Just before my baby turned 2...

2nd Birthday Party (Blue's Clues!)

One day I hope you will look at me and have some understanding of how much I love you.  I know (from experience) how hard it is to fathom a parent's love before you are one yourself... definitely possible but hard.  I was thinking today about my life just 3 short years ago... Before you were a physical part of my life... you were definitely there my son, my heart wished and prayed for you daily.  I am so blessed that I get a front row seat to you.  

Love, 

My favorite picture of us from 2014.

Mama

Mommy

Mama Anna

My Mama

(and my favorite) Mama mine : )