Dearest Baby Mine,

Less than a day old...

One year old. What a difference one year makes...

One year = 12 months or 52 weeks or 365 days or 8,760 hours or 525,600 minutes.  It equals to somewhere around 2,788 diaper changes or 1,095 missed hours of sleep* and countless hours in the rocking chair. It equals to 9,125 kisses or 18,250 hugs or 32,850 smiles*.  But there is no number or measurement that could calculate how this year has changed me or how much I love you, I do not even know the full extent of these changes.  I will never be able to return to my life before you, nor do I want to.  I am your Mother and I know that is exactly who I was meant to be.

2 days a mother...

9 months a mother...

I cannot believe that you are almost one, that a whole year has passed, but also that you haven't been in my life forever.  I feel like I've known you my whole life and was just waiting for you to get here.  Everyday you teach me something new... about yourself and about me.  You challenge me to reassess my long held views of life and love.  What it means to really live... what living is worth... what is love?  How can I express to you my desire to keep you from all harm while at the same time giving you the freedom you need to grow? Should I be imparting some great wisdom to you in this letter?  The answers to the questions above would probably serve but I fear I am at a loss to do so because I don't have all the answers, I am still figuring it out.  Instead I have decided to be honest with you about what this year has meant to me.  About how life-altering your beautiful existence has been for me...   

First smiles...

 When you arrived one year ago, I was ready... ready to hold you, to look at you, to know you but nothing could prepare me for all of that, I only thought I was ready.  But how can one ever be ready for such a crazy, mind-blowing, rush of excitement and responsibility? In hindsight, ready really wasn't the word for what I felt... let's say I was more than willing to become a mother and I delighted in all that I would have to do. That hasn't changed, but was I ready... ready for the emotional upheavals, sleepless nights, and truly paralyzing moments of fear?  I don't think so.  You don't get ready for motherhood, you learn how to be a mother from minute to minute, hour to hour, day to day and it can be scary as hell.  

On the day of your birth, I was laboring and laboring and then... surgery. Scary things being shouted all around me and knowing... knowing all too well that I was going to miss it.  Miss the moments I had waited for, for so long... your first cries, your first glimpse of the world, your first hours would be spent without me.  My heart broke for those lost hours and you entered this world in, what I consider, a traumatic way and I am so sorry for that.  I feel like I failed you... failed in giving birth to you and failed in being there to comfort you on your strange transition from my womb to the cold world.  I hate that I wasn't there.  Has it taken me a whole year to let go of those precious moments that we can never get back?  I hope not... I am still not sure.  I fear that when you hear that I had trouble piecing together my first emotions about you that you will think it was you but it wasn't, you were perfect and still are.  I felt like I had lost that special connection we shared when you were warm and snug inside me, when you were mine, and only mine.  From the first moment they handed you to me, I struggled to define how I felt about you... I felt responsible for you and I loved you in a way but I wasn't sure if it was enough.  My mom told me, that just like all relationships, you have to work at it and get to know each other.  I liked that thought as it gave me hope to think that our love would grow and evolve over time.  It wasn't a hit-or-miss feeling that had to be realized the instant you were placed in my arms, we had time.  I missed, and just wanted to continue, our graceful coexistence that we had had up until that point, it was so very easy while I was pregnant.  My greatest fear was not loving you the way you deserved to be loved...  it still is.

During your first few weeks of life, I rarely dressed you because I was told skin-to-skin helped with bonding... so we spent a lot of time skin to skin.  I held you, day and night, and I cried over you and what we had to go through.  I felt bereft if you were out of my arms for too long and I couldn't think about your birth without needing you held close against me. I thought about how you should be loved and I was so scared I wasn't good enough. I hope I have loved you the way you deserve this first year.

From the very beginning you have been a passionate little guy. I can't imagine where you get that from...  You hated diaper changes (still do), car seats (also, still not a big fan), and being put down.  You love eating, being held (particularly while sleeping), and exploring your world.  In between yelling over a dislike or demanding one of your favorite things, you are a thinker.  I can almost see the cogs in your brain turning.  I'm not sure what you think about exactly but there is no doubt in my mind that you are analyzing everything around you.  Even now as a one year old you are cautious and curious.  You make sure you know how things work before you try it out and you are very watchful of new things that you want to master.  A very common expression on your face is a furrowed brow.  Some people view that brow and your serious little mouth as a negative response.  After seeing it day after day though, I can tell you that you make it when confronted with almost every new thing and it means you are very interested in whatever is happening.  It is exciting to think about how you will use these traits growing up and, eventually, in a career.  I believe that you can do a great many things with your life and with the talents I already see. I know, however, that along your path in life you might find a passion that drives out all the other possibilities.  I do not want to narrow your scope and send you after just one possibility... you have far too many possibilities in your future for me to take any of them away at this point.  After you were born, I reread my favorite series, Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery, and came across a quote in Anne of Windy Poplars. 

“Babies are such fascinating creatures," said Anne dreamily. "They are what I heard somebody at Redmond call 'terrific bundles of potentialities.' Think of it, Katherine . . . Homer must have been a baby once . . . a baby with dimples and great eyes full of light . . . he couldn't have been blind then, of course.”

"Terrific bundles of potentialities"... what a wonderful and perfect way to describe babies, to describe you.  Never forget that you have potential, tons of it.  I've spent more time with you this past year then I have spent with anybody else, ever (other than my own mother, possibly)... both waking hours and sleeping, we have been together.  I know my love for you has evolved and I know it will continue to grow and change, as you grow and change.  As of right now though, I love you as your mother of one year, as your constant companion, as your guardian.  Love is not easily expressed in words but I hope you can feel my love for you through the thoughts that I have shared above
and in the memories we will share.
Baby of mine, I will always love you.
 

                                                                        Love Always and Forever,

                                                                                                      Your Mama

       

11 months

Dear Leo,

11 months!  Just a few weeks left until you turn 1! I can hardly believe it.  You started talking and walking this past month!  Your first word was kitty cat but sounds like "Ki cat" (with a very soft t).  When you say words for the first time you whisper them, which is just about the cutest thing ever. ; ) 

You have since started saying Dada and occasionally Mama (but most often you say it when you are crying in your crib) and we think we have heard you say kiss and definitely "hi".  Talking occurred around December 2nd and your first steps on December 14th.  They were from your dada to me and they were so cute!  You cannot know how proud we were of you as you took those first steps... you are growing so fast. 

You also had your first snow this month!  I bundled you up and took you outside and you could barely sit up you had so much padding on.  It got the better of you and you fell over but you just laid there, very still, watching the snow fall gently down on your face.  I think you were very intrigued by the snow...

11 months saw your first Thanksgiving, which we celebrated with our friends Doris and Greg and their daughter Melody.   Dinner ended up being ready so late that Melody missed the whole meal and you only saw the soup course.  :(  Right after Thanksgiving we got your first Christmas tree! (*see pictures at the end of post)  It was a small tree so that I could put it up on an old trunk we have, which I must say was brilliant on my part as it kept you from really getting into it.  I don't think that will work next year though.  ;)

You couldn't stop giggling with your cousin Tiernan!

The rest of December was a blur as I was sick and you were sick most of the time before we left for Florida.

We spent your 11 month birthday in Florida with your cousin Tiernan who turned 10 years old on the same day!  It was a great day full of family and love.  Can't wait to see what this last month of your first year holds!

Love Always,

Mama 

This month was exhausting!  I thought I would write my own update down here... so if you just came for the baby stuff you can skip this. ;)  Leo's 10 month and 11 month birthdays were both celebrated in Florida on 2 separate trips.  That, in and of itself, was a lot with the four 12 hr + days of travel and traveling back and forth across the state to visit family while there. Add into that infected fingers, mystery rashes (Leo, on both trips to Florida), hand foot and mouth disease (both Leo and I got it), colds, and oh yeah...Thanksgiving AND Christmas and it was like the perfect storm of exhaustion!  Don't get me wrong I love seeing family but all that in a month and a half time span was ALOT!  I am extremely grateful we didn't catch the stomach virus that was going around.  We were around a lot of people who had it.  I'm trying to rest up and catch up this week so that I can "get back in the game" so to speak.  On my agenda.... plan Leo's first birthday party, put together a yearbook for Leo's first year of life, start swim classes for Leo, try to fix my diastisis recti (by joining a class), and nap train Leo (once he is back on PST).  The last one is the one I am looking forward to the least as I am sure it is going to be a horrible couple of days. Currently, the little prince sleeps cradled in my arms three times a day.  I have no time to myself until Evan gets home or until Leo goes down for the night and that is exhausting too.  Sometimes I sleep in the rocking chair with him, other times I read or browse on my phone but it needs to stop.  For my sanity and for Leo's sake...

If I can get him nap trained then I can start looking into solutions for subbing more as I think a daycare would be possible.  I need to start working more often...

New Year's just passed and even though this blog update covers Leo's 11 month (which did not include NY 2013/14)... my main new year's resolution is to get healthy.  I (like I said above) need to work on my ab seperation (diastisis recti) and start working out more.  I also want to get more sleep so that I am not so grumpy all the time and so that I can accomplish the many things I want to in this new year.  Let's hope Leo cooperates ;)

Love to you all.     

P.S. Some additional pictures that were too difficult to incorporate into the post.

The nephews <3>

The nieces <3>

One of the better pictures from my Christmas photo shoot with Leo.

Adorable pic of my two favorite guys...about to break my pretty ornament : /

gimme, gimme, gimme!

 

The cousins (Sara is moving but you should have seen the other pics...lol)

Leo in our old rocking chair : )

10 months

So I am late on Leo's 10 month post... we were in Florida at the time and we had Thanksgiving to contend with our first week back (in addition to dealing with a 3 hour time change and getting over a rash!)  But enough of the excuses...

 

 Dearest Leo,

          You are a deep thinker.  You meet most new situations with a furrowed brow and intense concentration.  In most cases you quickly relax and bless those around you with your adorable grins (and I am in no way partial just because I'm your mom...)  This past month we have had beautiful weather here in the Northwest.  It has been just perfect for lots of walks and trips to the park and the swing (which is still your favorite).  I have also been able to catch so many cute photos of you in the fall leaves. 

Besides crawling you started to wave this month, right before our trip to Florida, and you spent the entire time at the airport waving and charming strangers : )  You are so excited when someone returns your wave with a wave of their own! After getting so many, you started waving backwards and only wave the right way out when I wave with you. You are working so hard to figure out this great big world and I love seeing you take it all in.   

You still look a lot like your Dad but I've seen some of me in there :-) I love this picture of my two main men, I might need to put this on a desk...once I manage to find a job.  I really cherish this time I have home with you but I hope I can find a teaching position for the upcoming school year.  Which actually was another first this month... you went to daycare for a day and a half when I had a sub job.  You didn't like it very much and refused the bottles and to sleep during the first six hours or so.  I believe you took a begrudging 45 min nap about an hour or two before I came to pick you up. :-/  I hated to see your little tear stained face.

 That same week we celebrated your first Halloween!  Here you are with your first Jack-o-lantern and in your first costume... introducing Leo Weaver as Captain James T. Kirk.  We didn't actually go trick-or-treating we just sat outside and played in the grass and ate candy that nobody came and got from us.  We actually did have a group of trick-or-treaters stop on their way out of the apartment complex. 

We did and saw a lot in Florida!  I, unfortunately, am having a disagreement with my small camera and its memory card so I did not get pictures in Florida this time but I know your Mimi and Nana got at least a few ; ) and I will have to get theirs at Christmas.  I will have to write a separate post on all of our happenings there... it makes me tired just thinking about trying to do it now, we were VERY busy!! On that note I am pretty tired and we are back to sleep training so I expect to hear you cry some more tonight : ( You are working on some bottom teeth I believe.  You have four on top as of now though. 

I love you sweet baby Leo!

Love,

Mama

9 months

Dearest Leo,

You have reached what I have always considered "the best" age of a baby.  9 months!  I can't say I have been disappointed but I also have realized that every age has its moments to treasure.  As someone who has always wanted to be older and reach new goals, I have learned that the best age is every age.  Each period of your life will have ups and downs, achievements and failures, pride and embarrassment... learn to learn from every experience and you will find happiness and success in life.  Right now learning from every experience comes instinctively to you, as to all babies.  You get up and fall down, you try to feed yourself and end up dropping the food but you try again and sometimes you get it but other times you don't.  I haven't seen you give up yet and I pray that you will feel and know of the love and support your dad and I will always offer you so that you don't feel like you have to give up.  

This past month has been a VERY BUSY month for you!  You went from scooting to full on crawling, you pull up on everything, you cruise along furniture, squat down to retrieve toys and then stand back up, you can stand unassisted but will lower yourself slowly after a few seconds.  I am pretty sure you are giving kisses (big open-mouthed slobbery ones) and you have 2 teeth!  Both of them are on the top.  You light up when your daddy comes home from work and sometimes you just want some cuddles from me (Mama).  You haven't said any words yet but both your Dada and I can't wait to hear what you are obviously trying to tell us.  You still love the swing and on your 9 month birthday I caught you being a little kid (you are technically one but you are still supposed to be a baby not a kid...so SLOW DOWN!)  You were leaning way back and looking up at the sky and you had a look of wonderment on your face. It was a look that comes from discovery and feeling at one with the great wide world around you.  I have felt the same look on my face while doing the same thing and I hope you will always be able to find that feeling, no matter how old you get.  

We have had some hard times with you in the past few weeks in relation to sleeping (yeah, I didn't think it could get worse either.)  But after your visit to the Doctor for your 9 month appointment we believe it may be a combination of your teeth coming in, a little cold you had, and last but not least the growth spurt you've been going through... You grew 2 1/2 inches in the past 2 months!  Your stats are now 21.10 lbs, 29 3/4 inches, and 18 1/8 in head circumference. Which puts you in the 75th % for weight and head circumference and the 95th% for height!  That was a big jump for you!  So our challenges with sleep continue and we are planning on going back to some form of sleep training this upcoming weekend.  I'm not looking forward to the training but I would love some sleep.  I am tired of being tired...

Autumn is well under way here in Oregon and I managed to get some shots of you hanging out in the leaves on your 9 month birthday.  We also visited a pumpkin patch with your Aunt Emily, Uncle Steve and your cousins Sara and Rebecca.  Rebecca turned 18 months the same day you turned 9 months and that is it... that is the only time she will ever be twice your age.  From here on out the difference in age and development will only look closer and less obvious.  You will be in different grades but in truth are really not that far apart (although the 9 months of Emily's pregnancy seemed like an eternity while I waited for you!)  This month we will be heading to Tampa, Deland, and Merritt Island for my cousin Brian's wedding.  We will be back to Dada for your first Thanksgiving though.  You will be celebrating your 10 month birthday in Florida!   

I love you Leo... more then anything else.  I hardly remember what it was like to not have you a part of my life anymore.  9 months of loving the idea of you and 9 months getting to know you.  18 months of happiness :-)  Before I know it we will be celebrating your 1st birthday...

                                                                                                                          Love,

                                                                                                                          (a very tired Mama)