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| Look at those adorable cheeks! |
I passed my gestational diabetes test this time around (first time)! Yay! I was just cleared to try for a VBAC and we are getting to the end of the pregnancy. I still have a ways to go but it seems to be going fast. I am both terrified of having two kids and so excited to see Leo meet her... : ) just thinking about it makes me happy all over.
It has been very hard to stop and dream of my little Junebug. I had a lot more free time with Leo to think and dream about the baby in my belly. With all of Ruby's pokes and jabs, she is letting her presence be known more and more everyday. As she moves, I find myself stopping and wondering what she is doing in there. It also makes me think of all those newborn kicks and wiggles that are in my future.
Emotionally, I am having a lot more trouble this pregnancy... between the stress of work and wishing I had more time and energy for Leo (and Evan) I often feel like a failure and like nothing I do is right. I hate feeling like that but whether it is all these extra hormones or just life... I am feeling horrible on a daily basis. Don't get me wrong... there are still glimmers of light and times when I am just happy to be right where I am. At those times, I don't feel guilty that I am not being a good mama to my son, a good wife to my husband, or a good teacher to my students but inevitably it comes crashing down when I realize that during that time I was forgetting to do something for work, home, family, or for a friend. Generally the repercussions of my "guilt free time" lasts for a week or more... creating more work, more stress, more guilt. It makes enjoying those moments even harder as I find myself wondering what I am NOT doing that I should be. It's a vicious cycle folks...
Week 35- I had maternity pictures taken again this pregnancy by the same talented photographer and friend at www.photosbyejrussell.com. We are hoping to snag her for newborn pictures before she leaves for summer vacation... all you have to do is arrive before she leaves! See below for the amazing maternity photos.
Week 37- I started measuring big about 2 weeks ago and since I continued, I was sent in for an ultrasound. They measured both Junebug's growth and my amniotic fluids. While she is growing on the slightly larger side, it isn't in the realm of "too big" yet. My amniotic fluid levels, however, are high and they seem worried. In most cases there is no logical explanation for the high levels but there could be complications with the birth or with the baby : ( I'll just have to wait and see what they say. My 38 week appt. is coming up and they are planning another ultrasound to make sure she is doing okay in there. On the up side Evan and I got to see our baby girl in utero one more time! We even got a few pictures of her. She is a cheeky little one. She has some hair but who knows what color and how much (we could see wisps of it though). She had her eyes closed most of the time and only started peeking out right towards the end. So cute! I can't believe I'll have her in my arms in less than a month, regardless of when I have her)
Week 38 & 39- My amniotic fluids were down some but were still higher than normal. The technician seemed very pleased with my little baby and said my placenta looked great... no worries on that front at least. It seems like my little Ruby Anna is nice and comfy in there. As I will be 39 weeks tomorrow and it is also my guess date for RA's arrival. I figured I needed to go ahead and wrap this long standing post up. At both ultrasounds we were able to get a couple of pictures of Miss. Ruby. It is hard to believe I will be holding her in my arms sometime in the next two weeks (maybe a smidge longer, although I hope not!) On the professional front, I have made it through the school year, almost. Tomorrow is the last day of school and is a half day so I don't actually have any official teaching duties tomorrow, YAY! If I end up going tomorrow (i.e. I'm not in labor), I will get to say good-bye to my kiddos and send them off with the rest of the teachers. I am mostly finished packing up my things and I finished my grades... I still have stuff to turn in and things to sign off on but I am in a pretty good place at this point. : ) On the home front, I have been trying to get things done every weekend but I still have what I feel is a lot to do but "ce la vei". My mom just arrived though and is always a big help. Basically, I am ready for my Junebug to come whether everything I wanted done is done, or not. Now onto my letter to my daughter...
Every time I've thought about writing this
letter to you I have been distracted. Distracted with stress and life.
One day, you may know this feeling if you have your own kids. You may
not ever know and if that is the case, I want you to know that even
within my distraction I have longed to focus on you. I am hoping that I
can do that now... You are my beautiful daughter and I can't wait to hold you in my arms, to see you grow into a little toddler, to grow into a little girl, a young woman, or into whatever you wish to be in life. My one wish is that, whatever you become, you will be happy.
I want you to know that I will be here for
you, no matter what. I love you so much already it feels impossible
that my heart could get so big and have enough room for everyone I love
so dearly.
You are being welcomed into a world of two sets
of amazing grandparents. Two loving and amazing Aunts, two amazing and
lovable Uncles, four loving cousins, and last but not least a sweet big
brother that loves you already and a Dada that has no idea what is
about to hit him when he gets a little baby girl put into his arms. He
is pretty fantastic, by the way. Plus, me... your Mama. You are so
loved and so wanted. Don't ever forget that (even when your big brother
tells you that you aren't...) Older siblings can say things like that
sometimes but if (or when) he does say something like that remember
that he would proudly announce that his baby sister was Ruby Anna and
that he would bring you a flower every time he brought me one. Remember
that he would sing to my belly, greet you with a hug or a kiss before
even glancing at me, and was so excited to buy you a birthday present
and that he really wanted it to be purple (although we haven't found
that yet). His tiny, BIG heart already adores you and even when you
frustrate him, he will continue to adore you.
My sweet
little Junebug, I love you so much and cannot wait to hold you, to kiss
those sweet chubby cheeks, to count your little fingers and toes, to
sing sweet lullabies to you, to rock you in my rocking chair. I can't
wait to see you roll over, to crawl, to walk, to say Mama and Dada for
the first time, to hear you say Leo. I can't wait for those first baby
smiles and laughs, to see you explore and discover the world around you,
to learn about all life has to offer. Life is not always easy but it
is pretty amazing...My sweet baby girl, you are almost here. So here I sit anxiously awaiting your arrival and dreaming of you.
I love you, for always and forever.
Love,
Your Mama
